I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet to go over everything. This is where I stop being Adele and start being way less rich and vocally talented.
I sleep alone at night. Nobody asks me how my day at work was. I don't receive good morning texts. I'm not picking out a house in a city that'll be perfect for our kids to grow up in someday. I'm not picking out a name for our dog. I'm not waking up early to brew him coffee so it's ready before his pretty eyes flutter open. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.
Hot, angry tears streak down my cheeks, cutting through caked on glitter makeup applied by my four year old. I should be happy and I should be content, but -- I'm not.
I'm mad at myself for feeling these things. I'm mad at myself for writing these things. I'm mad that I'm chastising myself for having these raw emotions.
At over halfway to 26, I see my clock ticking. I get poisoned by social media littered with home buying and engagement pictures and sweet, small babies. I find myself envious and resentful of those who are happy in their love, because I'm not.
Not is underrated. It yields so much power contextually.
I think, maybe, therein lies my problem. If I can't be happy and love myself, love the family I've got, maybe I'm not ready to share the love of another human. Then again, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe, for once in my life, I am ready.
Life is funny like that. We wrestle with finding serenity, but we seek continuous improvement. We set goals, but we strive to aim higher and higher. For me, the key is to push to make certainties happen, to find the pockets where it's okay to keep wanting more, to keep wanting better. Then there are milestones, events and situations that, if you don't meet those marks you want, renders them insignificant. I don't care if I'm never a CEO, because if at the end of the day I can home home, and nestle in-between my loved ones, I'm exactly where I'm meant to be.
Love is my largest dream. To share my life and my heart with my forever best friend, that's my greatest victory. It's okay to want that. It's okay to desire that. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
It's okay. I'm not. I will.
